Fran Lebowitz, On Waking Up

12:35 P.M. – The phone rings. I am not amused. This is not my favorite way to wake up. My favorite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two-thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for Literature I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish.
— from "The Fran Leibowitz Reader" by Fran Leibowitz

Tina Fey, On Her Father

My dad has visited me at work over the years, and I’ve noticed that powerful men react to him in a weird way. They ‘stand down.’ The first time Lorne Michaels met my dad, he said afterward, ‘Your father is... impressive’ They meet Don Fey and it rearranges something in their brain about me. Alec Baldwin took a long look at him and gave him a firm handshake. ‘This is your dad, huh?’ What are they realizing? I wonder. That they’d better never mess with me, or Don Fey will yell at them? That I have high expectations for the men in my life because I have a strong father figure?

Only Colin Quinn was direct about it. ‘Your father doesn’t fucking play games. You would never come home with a shamrock tattoo in that house.’

That’s Don Fey.
— from "Bossypants" by Tina Fey