Periods, Exclamation Point

How do I know when I'm PMS-ing? Easy. The first sign is when I take a pinch of Maldon sea salt flakes and eat it straight up for a hit of saltiness. And then it snowballs from there: I want fried chicken, ramen, oysters, french fries, tacos and a bowl of pho all at the same time. We're talking insatiable, ravenous, uncontrollable Hungry Hippo mode. 

This usually lasts for two weeks before I get my actual period, which is, of course, when the real fun starts. My whole body feels like lead and I only have one state of mind: sleepy. It's depressing to look in the mirror because I'm suddenly shorter, fatter, and uglier. I have a collection of "period panties", which are Cosabella's black mesh briefs so that I don't ruin my other ones. I say "ugh" every other sentence and constantly ask my girlfriends: "Is it THIS bad for you too? Or is it just me?"

Best day of the month is the day after my period ends. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, my body instantly deflates and I forget it ever happened.